Don't worry baby, Elin will never find out that I'm having sex with you, your friend, those porn stars, or Jessica Simpson. Family comes first and so does Tiger...if you know what I'm sayin. FMFL Tiger Woods

What are you talking about "drug overdose"....I don't even inject drugs straight into my nose. FMFL Brittany Murphy

Senator John Ensign affair

Michael Vick is Free!

You know what big hands mean don't ya kids?

FMFL Mickey Mouse

"I wish when I was going down on a girl that it was her that got all gooey and not my cheesy ass.....sigh." FMFL Pizza the Hut

Barbara Obama

The president throws like a girl. FMFL The All-Star Game

Kramer

"technically it's not career suicide because you can't kill something that's already dead" FMFL Kramer

My shorts are sooooo cool. Wouldn't you love to get your hands on the toy inside? FMFL The Real "Lucky" (From Lucky Charms) - Take that General Mills

OH, JEEZ!! He's eating my kidneys!! FMFL Teddy Roosevelt

This would be awesome if I wasn't so gay. FMFL Zac Efron

Lethal Weapon

"Forget the death of wife Victoria Lynn, that haircut makes me want to commit suicide." FMFL Martin Riggs

Michael Jackson is dead? Why didn't 45 TV stations tell me?

This is in bad taste...
speaking of bad taste, hey michael! let's go monging together!

4 signs your husband is cheating on you!

1. The telltale lipstick on the collar. Get that to a dry cleaner!
2. He stops saying "I love you"
3. He is fucking another woman
4. You find his dead body along with the "other woman" as the victim of a murder-suicide. Better luck next year! FMFL Michelle McNair

No magic spell for swine flu

Wait, someone actually got the swine flu? Wow you must have the immune system of a 1991 Freddie Mercury. FMFL Rupert Grint

Busey

"Hey it's not crazy if I'm like this all the time...right? Those aren't implants, that smile is all Gary, baby!" FMFL Gary Busey

Celebrity Boxing

"Yeah Dustin "Screech" Diamond is twice my size but I'll still fight him on FOX's Celebrity Boxing. What's the worst that could happen?" FMFL Ron Palillo

purple jacket? check. sequence? check. jheri curl afro/mullet? check. Now just smile and wait for the fame and fortune to come rollin' in. FMFL Marvin Sease

Well, you might be asking yourself why I'm frowning...you would frown too if your arms were only 2 inches too short to masturbate. FMFL The Wrestler.

Lincoln's Logs #3

From the Civil War Dispatches: "I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go---that, plus I suck an astronomical amount of Cock." FMFL Gaybe Lincoln

Lincoln's Logs #2

I wish this ass hole would stop farting so damn much and get off of my bike. FMFL Beaver

Lincoln's Logs #1

"Today, I was talking to a man about the state of our economy, and he said 'Well, it's better than a hole in the head." FMFL Abraham Lincoln

Hiking

July 2008: "Woah, this is awesome. I just take trips to Argentina and no one knows. I love you Maria."
June 22, 2009: "That's right, I'm hiking on the Appalachian trail. Nothing inherently wrong with that. I am SOOO not having an affair with the Appalachian trail."
June 24, 2009: "Yeah, I had an affair but NOT with the Appalachian trail. I am not a liar. I love my wife...plus another woman." FMFL Mark Sanford

Oh Sweet Jesus

Well, first Michael undid my diaper and, was like, hey kid you're pretty cute. And I said thanks, because I am so damn cute. It got pretty weird after that, but I ended up giving him a 'nose job' if you know what I'm saying. FMFL All the kids Michael violated

"Fuck...admiral Blarfnop has us in another goddamn board meeting and it's lasting a lightyear. My wife said she was gonna suck my Nopnoop tonight, looks like I'm gonna be too late for that. I'll just rock this orange hat and pretend to pay attention." FMFL Alien Board meeting.

"I have a great idea for a new TV show...Jon+4+Kate+4. I should have put that in the divorce papers!" FMFL Jon Gosselin

"Billy Mays here, do you hate it when you get dead bodies on your carpet and they make this shitty stench and stain like a fucking red wine? Well get my new Oxiclean:Dead bodies version. For a limited time when you buy my new Dead Bodies Oxiclean, you get my KAPOW! Embalming fluid for free! Call in the next four minutes and I'll give you a handjob!" Karma's a bitch FMFL Billy Mays

"I'm holding hands with the angel of death...I wonder if this is bad?" FMFL Blanket

Wonder Woman

My dad in a Wonder Woman costume. Fuck My Real Life : (
-Dave

I told you that I could do a no handed cartwheel. FMFL

That's the last time I tell Chris that my Cover Girl eye make-up can cover up dark circles under the eye. FMFL Rihanna. : (

Well that's the last time I tell Chris that the BCS is the best way to determine the college bowl games.

Well that's the last time I tell Chris that N'Sync is better than the Backstreet Boys. FMFL. Rihanna.

Mistake

Well that's the last time I ask Chris if he'd want to invite T.I. over for a threesome. FMFL. Rihanna.

I like to write things
In a sweet haiku rhythm
check out my wordage

Conquered yet again
please save us america
go fuck my fake life

- France (circa multiple years)

here is the plan jeff
club that bitches knee real good
this plan is air tight

- FMFL Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan/Jeff Gillooly/George Steinbrenner apparently

I fucked a woman
who said she didn't have aids
that bitch lied to me

FMFL Magic Johnson

Miracle?

Look, this might be a little off-topic, but Jesus spent a shit-load of time around lepers, washing their feet and whatnot. Is it really that surprising people would think he was dead, and then he'd walk around with a chunk of meat missing from his side?

Marley

Today I was in contention to win over a million dollars in a golf tournament and my twin brother, Marley, tricked me into letting him play in my place. He still thinks his 15 handicap means he shot 6 under par. FMFL. Charley Hoffman.

Look at my fucking tail! FMFL - Obama's dog.

Random Musings of the Day

So it was 1 am the other day and i was mildly hammered. As I am walking to my front door I see some guy who appears to be lurking in the shadows. Creepy I thought, then again I don't exactly live in the best neighborhood. But as I am looking at this potential burglar/gigolo/baby seal clubber, he steps out of the shadows and what do I see??? A fucking chihuahua. One of those crazy talking taco bell dogs that aspires to someday be adopted and, soon thereafter, neglected by Paris Hilton or some other young socialite that has the attention span of a 5 year old.

All random ranting aside, this got me to thinking. If I were a burglar, I would sure as shit get a puppy and bring it around with me. Think about it, people see you walking around at night with a crowbar, that's pretty suspect. BUT, people see you with a puppy, they don't even notice you're holding a crow bar and that plasma tv you managed to jack.

Cops show up? No problem. .. "Hi officer, just taking little Rupert here for a walk. Oh, this crowbar? I ran out of plastic bags and I figured I could use it to pick up his poo. You have a nice night too officers. " Done and Done.

It's like a puppy has some magical power akin to that Harry Potter invisibility cloak. Except unlike that little bitch, I would use my power not for good, but for good purposes. Namely, furthering my career as a burglar, and getting girls out of their clothes. Because lets face it, puppies are to girls as boobs are to guys.

Moral of this story, don't come home drunk and see some guy walking his dog because you will end up spending fifteen minutes of your life writing a mostly unrelated story about it that no one will ever read.

CW

"Hey guy in the next stall! Can you see my foot? Can you see it in your stall? Hello? Hey, can you see my hand under the stall divider? Look dude, I'm not gay, but will you please just look at my foot so I can put your penis in my mouth? I'm going to fuck you, a man, here, in an airport bathroom, with your penis in my mouth. Look at my foot!" Sen. Larry Craig

"I can't wait to tell everyone about the new direction I want to take in life. I mean, I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music, along with really writing . . . for too many years now. Ooh I better write that down. As soon as I clean this shotgun, the whole world will forget about my music, and start to recognize me for my real true love - trick shooting!" Kurt Cobain

"I'm just gonna chug this whole bottle of NyQuil so I can sleep all the way through the flight to the pentagon. I mean Los Angeles. I wonder why I just said pentagon?" Passenger six, Flight 77 American Airlines.

"Come on baby, no rubber tonight. What's the worst that can happen?" George Bush Senior

"Give me back my hat, Steinberg, or you'll be sorry!" Hitler, age 6

Hunting quail is for pussies. Speaking of which, ever read the book "the most dangerous game"? Dick Cheney

"You know that I was still drinking from that chalice you jackass. You can't just take away a mans cup when he's still drinking from it...go to hell." - Jesus

"boy, I sure love it when dad lets me play with his gun" - Casper the boy

"I'd never tell them, but Goofy and his little sex slave, Pluto, creep me the hell out. Seriously? Making him walk around on all fours all day long? I don't know how he stands it..." Mickey Mouse

"I rest easy every night, knowing no matter how many times I beat and rape my wife, she will never, ever cut my penis off with a kitchen knife." John Wayne Bobbitt

"Someday I'll invent something that will bring pride and prestige to my family name!" A young Thomas Crapper

"my first thought was, yes, I would very much so enjoy a peach. Then he said it again and i knew i wasn't going to like this peach very much." FMFL. Bill Clinton

"Boy, I sure am excited for my soccer match. I even wore my lemon pepper marinade skin moisturizer, to make it extra special. All we've got to do is finish this darn flight over the Andes mountains, and it's game time!" Peruvian soccer player. In case you don't get it...they crashed in the mountains and ate eachother.

The Adventures of the Unfortunately Named Dr. Jeremiah Cuntburger

I can remember it just like it was yesterday. We had just lost the big homecoming game. Everyone wanted to buy this young Cunt a malt-shake. "Hey, great game Cuntburger!" they cheered. "You really cuntburgered that guy on that last play!" Sam yelled. Sam had termed my signature move the 'cuntburger,' which is why he used it in the past tense. The soccer team had never hosted a homecoming game before, but the football team was killed in a fluke pie eating contest....but that's a whole other story. Anyway, I was the goalie. My signature move, the 'cuntburger,' was allowing the other team to score a goal. And I used the 'cuntburger' a lot. Sara Vagbadger asked me to share a bananna split with her, but I just ended up splitting her with my bananna later that night. I knew she was the one. She was going to be Mrs. Sara Vagbadger Cuntburger.

"I wish I would have stayed in the closet...if you know what I mean. FMFL. Elian Gonzalez."

I don't think that's flesh eating bacteria...it just looks like that's the way your face is. FMFL. Michael Jackson's Doctor"

"well, it happened again. the 'lost boys' held me down and raped me hard. it's just impossible to come up with a happy thought when you have a mouth full of Rufio. FMFL. Peter Pan."


"Well, it happened again. Peter pulled his pants down and rolled around on the ground, 'begging' us not to take advantage of him because he'd 'snorted soooo much fairy dust'. FMFL. Rufio."

"Today my wife and her friend died of natural causes. 'Natural Causes' is my nickname for my stabbin' knife. OJ Simpson."

FMFL

"I wish I was still cool. HGH"

The Meaning Behind FMFL

So, many (probably nobody) of you must be wondering, what does 'FMFL' stand for? What's this blog all about. Does it stand for Frank Mark Fred and Linda? Fuck no you moron....put your head on straight. Well, does it stand for Fantasy Motorsports Franchise League? Of course, let me just get my revolutionary flags out and paste them all over my Ford F-750 and go muddin' out in the sticks. And while I'm doing that, I'll be keeping track of my Fantasy Motorsports League that I care so much about.

Well, the reality of it is FMFL stand for Fuck My Fake Life. It gives us (Davy, Curt, Sam, and Dave) the opportunity to write about pretty much whatever we want and put a famous name at the end of it to attach some meaning. Haven't you ever thought, boy I wonder what Calvin and Hobbes were thinking when:

"Mom, I 'tripped' and fell on Hobbes again. Can you help me get my penis out of him?" FMFL Calvin

"Now I know why you started that 'No Slimy Girls Club'." FMFL Hobbes

Get it? Good.

Enjoy the fruits of our labor.

FMFL

"Today, the Germans stormed my secret hideout. Now I'll never finish my diary. FMFL. Anne Frank."

FMFL

"Did you hear something?" All of Hiroshima, 1945

FMFL

I think things are finally starting to turn around in our relationship with the white man. Today we shared a giant feast and they even gave us these great blankets as presents! FMFL, Native American.

FMFL

Wow, I think this cold is killing me... FMFL, Freddy Mercury.

FMFL

Hey, what's that shiny metal thing coming at me? - Aborted fetus.